Babies aren't easy. They need constant taking care of, and a lot of new parents have the tendency to take things maybe just a little bit too far. Reddit user Fordiman recently posted an email he sent his son's first babysitter in the parenting subreddit r/parenting. The meticulous 73-point instruction manual for taking care of his son is just the littlest bit overbearing. The level of detail is more suited for instructions on how to dismantle a bomb than how to take care of a baby for a night.

It starts with a very strict feeding schedule, and an analysis of the proper way to hold a bottle. Followed by reasons why the baby might be crying. One of which is that his diaper might be dirty. Fordiman very helpfully includes the fact that "Poop will have a distinct smell." And thank goodness he did. Had he not included that fact, the babysitter might not have known what had come out of the baby.

The skills Fordiman thinks are absolutely necessary for taking care of a baby are shushing, mastery of the binky or "Baby plug," swaddling and bouncing. But bouncing needs to be limited to two bounces a second.

One would think changing a diaper would be pretty self explanatory but Fordiman's instructions prove this is just not true. "If it's a goddamned warzone, carefully cut his outfit off, using blunt-nose scissors," he describes. "Don't worry about the outfit; no one likes taking off a poopy onesy, and particularly not him."

Interaction is very important to Fordiman. He very helpfully explains how to help a baby sit. And I hope this babysitter brought their guitar. Fordiman writes his son "likes live guitar."

 

The email is amazing in its thoroughness, but my favorite part comes in the comments. "We were gone two hours," writes Fordiman. "She didn't even have to change a diaper."