Alternative Theory: Being President Is Just Signing Autographs

Donald Trump is the President. There's no escaping it. But, given we now live in the world of "alternative facts", allow me to present you with one of my own.

Donald Trump is just signing autographs for fans. He's not really President-ing at all. It's an illusion.

Exhibit A: Friday January 20, 2017

On Friday, after being sworn in as President and giving one of the shortest (and most bone-chilling) speeches of modern times, Trump began his new job as a professional calligrapher.

Literally the very first thing he did was sign a bunch of papers, with his entire family and a bunch of politicians standing by, waiting to swoop on his pens like vultures picking at the carcass of America. (Ed's note: You know, those pen vultures.)

Exhibit B: Monday January 23, 2017

After a restful weekend of cozying up to the intelligence community and bickering about crowd sizes, Trump returned to his favorite Presidential pastime: signing his autograph on things that don't affect him, but do affect women very badly.

(Look I know it's early days, but I suspect this is going to be his thing. Corinne on The Bachelor has her "nanny", Donald Trump has "trampling women's rights". Every villain needs a hook.)

This picture has rightly been doing the rounds for the sausage-fest element (the fact that Trump is literally signing an order that will endanger and restrict the lives of women while surrounded by no less than seven middle-aged white guys).

But let's take an opportunity to consider it from another perspective.

trump exec order feat
Image via Getty

This is "the leader of the free world", his deputy, and some of the most senior figures in the White House. They are just watching him sign his name. That's apparently their job now.

Just picture it.

Ivanka: "What did you do today, Jared?"

Jared: "We signed some stuff, well, Donald signed some stuff. I, er, watched."

These guys must have a great sense of job satisfaction.

Sure, Steve Bannon looks pretty pleased with himself. But then, he always does.

If America is going to elect a reality TV star, this is one way to embrace it. For the next four years, when you need a break from the grim reality of facts, consider my "alternative facts":

The year is 2017.

Donald Trump is a reality show host and has just embarked on a four-year-long book tour. Weirdly, his ghostwritten memoir, Grab Life by the Pussy, is super popular in Las Vegas, so his producers hired the MGM Grand, built an Oval Office replica and now host daily book signings there.

At the time of writing, nobody has told The Donald it's not actually the Oval Office.

"Alternative facts": If they're good enough for Kellyanne, they're good enough for me.