When was the last time you had sex so good, you didn’t stop grinning at each other for days?
OK, how about reasonably good sex that left you with a rather smug post-coital glow?
Hmm. Then how many of you fantasize more about sleeping in your bed than bouncing around on it?
Stressful jobs, fractious relationships, parenting, that monotonous commute - all combine to rob us of desire.
If sex is just another chore rather than something you look forward to, chances are one or more of the following is to blame.
Pinpoint the problem, then keep reading for some practical solutions.
Reasons why you’re not frothing at the mouth:
It's either physical...
A bad lover: zero technique eventually leads to zero desire.
Exhaustion and stress.
Poor general health or chronic illness.
Excessive alcohol or drug abuse.
A reaction to medication/recreational drugs.
Low hormone levels.
Menopause, periods and pregnancy all alter our levels of desire.
Pelvic surgery (like hysterectomy) which has deadened nerve endings in the genital region.
No chemistry with partner.
Relationships problems: feeling frustrated, angry or resentful toward partner or guilty, sad or ashamed over something you’ve done to them.
Low self-esteem or low sexual self-esteem.
A bad body image.
Poor sex education.
A traumatic, earlier sexual experience.
A history of unsatisfactory sex.
A strict religious upbringing which taught us sex is ‘bad’ and other negative sexual attitudes.
Communication problems which stop us telling our partner what triggers we need to tip us over the orgasm edge.
Lack of trust.
Tension – unresolved relationship conflicts resulting it one or both of you withholding sex as a punishment.
How to get back in the mood:
Get a good night’s sleep. Disturbed sleep leads to a reduction in the male hormone testosterone, which boosts both your libidos.
Take responsibility for your libido. Don’t expect your partner to turn you on, do it yourself! Make it your mission to pinpoint what gets you in the mood for sex then do more of it.
Let your imagination loose. Don’t be ashamed of your fantasies and refuse to feel guilty if having sex with someone other than your partner is one of them. Being unfaithful in reality isn’t good but it’s okay to do it in your head. Really. One survey found around 75% of us do it to keep sex fresh.
Meet halfway. If you don’t want intercourse, what about oral sex? If you don’t want oral sex or any sex yourself, do you mind pleasuring them? At the very least, you can and should be able to offer the physical intimacy of a cuddle.
Focus on sex, don’t avoid it. If you’re constantly being hassled for it, sex is often the last thing you want to watch or read about. Low libido people often avert their eyes when they see nudity, a sexy scene on telly or in the movies or flip the page if they hit a story in the newspapers or glossies.
Don’t. It’s just as easy to think yourself into sex than it is to talk yourself out of it and the more often you expose yourself to sexy literature, the sexier you’ll feel.
Know what you want and need to be satisfied sexually and I’m talking both in, and out of, bed. If you need to relax first, don’t be scared to ask for a massage. Or for them to do the dishes while you take a bath or shower.
Give sex a high priority in your life. If you’re avoiding it or not interested, chances are it’s the last thing you do, last thing at night. Well – Gosh! – funnily enough, even high sex drive people sometimes wonder if it’s worth the effort when they’re exhausted after a long day at work.
Get into a routine where you and your partner have chat-time then sex before you start dinner and switch the TV on. Or if you really are too stressed during the week, have breakfast in bed on the weekends and make that sex time.
Get your body clocks in sync. Is it really a case of mismatched libidos or a morning person matched with a night time one? If it is, take turns on the time of day you make love. And try sex mid morning, midday and mid afternoon, not just morning or night
Sex does NOT equal intercourse. Plenty of people (women especially) don’t orgasm through intercourse alone, so tend to find penetrative sex quite boring. If sex is boring, it’s no wonder you’re not desperate to dive into bed! The more you mix up what you do, the higher the interest.
Don’t relax! Instead, focus on the erotic sensations you’re feeling. Tighten the muscles of your thighs, bottom, lower tummy and pelvic floor muscles to help trigger an orgasmic reflex.
Set up a craving cycle. Without wanting to point out the obvious, orgasms feel good. If something feels good, our body – quite logically – says ‘more please’ and sulks if we don’t obey by developing either psychological or physical cravings when denied its high. The more sex you have, the more you want. We quickly forget how great sex can be. Have good sex often and you’re constantly reminded of all the physical and emotional pluses.