A Very Fake Preview of Hillary Clinton's New Book of Essays

On Wednesday, Simon & Schuster announced it will be releasing a collection of Hillary Clinton essays this fall.

As reported by the Associated Press, the publisher says Clinton will "tell stories from her life, up to and including her experiences in the 2016 presidential campaign".

The book doesn't have a title yet, but is focused on "hundreds of favorite quotations" that have inspired our favorite Nasty Woman. Yep, hundreds. And you thought  was annoying to lug around in your carry-on.

"These are the words I live by," Clinton said. "These quotes have helped me celebrate the good times, laugh at the absurd times, persevere during the hard times and deepen my appreciation of all life has to offer.

"I hope by sharing these words and my thoughts about them, the essays will be meaningful for readers."

Can we just take a moment to imagine what those essays might be?

Chapter one: "Be like water." (Or: "How to not punch your opponent in the face during a presidential debate.")

"Deep breaths. Hold the calm, dead-eyed stare of a million women in a million boardrooms.

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"With enough practice, no one will even notice your eye twitching."

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Chapter two: "Float like a butterfly; sting like a bee." (Or: "7 holidays you can take in the woods.")

"I brought back some chestnuts. Or some eggs. Actually, no one's really sure what these were, or why I was signing them. Whatever. #Nature, you guys."

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Chapter three: "If you can dream it, you can do it." (Or: "Dear Kate McKinnon, my hair doesn't actually look like that.")

"Nice try. But I do like your turtleneck."

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Chapter four:"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." (Or: "I wish I had actually run against Larry David.")

"Bernie was fine. Sure, he derailed my entire campaign and actually convinced Democratic voters that Trump might be a good idea (here's looking at you, Bernie Bros), but he was fine.

"But I quite like Seinfeld."

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Chapter five: "Haters gon' hate." (Or: "Never forget to take your vitamin C."

"Because people might forget your racist TV shows. But no one will ever forget the very serious things like the time you got a cold. Ever."


Chapter six: "Bow down, bitches." (Or"I taught Ellen everything she knows about pantsuits.")

"I have Beyoncé on repeat on my iPod, because I am down with the youth. I taught her about pantsuits too. Actually, I taught the world everything they know about pantsuits."


Chapter seven: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." (Or: "But Some people aren't. Some people are idiots.")

"You know who I'm talking about."

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Chapter eight: "Everything happens for a reason." (Or: "Hahahaha. No it doesn't.")

"Just a reminder. Donald Trump somehow won the election. I know, I know."

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Chapter nine: "Bad things happen when good people do nothing." (Or: "Why on earth did you guys let a toupée become president?")

"Why, tho?"

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Chapter 10: "Just keep swimming." (Or: "Just keep swimming.")

"And if you're feeling especially harassed, go for a jaunty pantsuit in a bright, jewel tone."

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Chapter 11: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." (Or: "Yes, I am going to finally do a buddy movie with Meryl Streep.")

"And there's going to be a 'visual album'. We're going all out."

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