President Donald Trump's First International Women's Day: An Itinerary

It's President Donald Trump's very first International Women's Day as Commander-in-Chief and he's has a jam-packed schedule of woman-loving to get him through the day.

0600—Breakfast with Melania and Ivanka, with Tiffany on FaceTime. The President will go over his schedule for the day, and pick a woman-appropriate tie (red, but the pattern will bleed to show he understands the ladies).

0630—National Security Briefing. No women allowed. President Trump is giving them the morning off from making tough decisions. (Note: Must find a new excuse for every other day.)

0730—Republican Women's Leadership breakfast. President Trump to make his now-familiar 2020 stump speech on how he won the popular vote because of voter fraud and how much bigger his inauguration crowd was.

0930—President Trump to host a press conference for female reporters only. (The President suggested this model of briefing moving forwards, because when you're rich and famous, ladies let you "do anything.")

1130—The President's Council on Restoring Skirts to the Workplace meets for initial planning.

1300—The President has a massage booked in with his long time masseuse, a woman. (The President would like to note that she's been given a special security clearance so he can keep working throughout. That's how trustworthy he thinks women are.)

1400—Signing executive order: Heel Height in the White House.

1500—Tea with Miss Universe.

1630—The President has a call with Her Majesty the President of Britain Teresa May.

1800—President Trump traditionally spends the hour between 1800-1900 making sure there are no women left in the White House, as they should at this point be at home making dinner for their children and husbands. Today, he's decided to move that forward to 1700 as a special treat for the ladies, and at 1800 he will retire to the East Wing for the evening.

1900—Dinner with Melania and Ivanka. The President has committed to turning his phone over on the table for a full half-hour so he can't see the Twitter notifications and get distracted.

2000— The O'Reilly Factor on the couch in his White House-issued robe. Peruse Twitter.

2030—Tweets at Rosie O'Donnell.

2130—Googles "Is Oprah Running for President in 2020?"

2131—Googles "Oprah Birth Certificate."

2132—Googles "How to cancel elections."

2133—Googles "The Constitution."

2134—Googles "Are women really allowed to be president?"

2135—Googles "Donald Trump."

2140—Tweets about Hollywood liberal elites until Kellyanne Conway arrives and prises the phone from the President's tiny, tiny hand.

2200—Convinces Kellyanne he's not going to tweet any more tonight.

2355—Rediscovers Facebook Poke. Pokes Kate McKinnon. Pokes Melissa McCarthy. Pokes Rosie O'Donnell.