I Don't Believe Star Signs, but This App Is Scarily Accurate'

I know a lot of people think star signs are a joke—and I hear you, haters, I really do—but I've always kind of loved them.

It started with the magazine supplements in my parents' weekend papers. As a pop-culture starved pre-teen (we had a TV, but I basically never watched it), I pored over anything vaguely "entertaining". The star signs got me every time. No matter how vague they were, I got a huge satisfaction from someone writing to me from afar about my own life. From space, even.

I graduated to fashion magazines, whose astrological offerings were hit and miss. One or two of these magazines did a yearly horoscope round-up each January, which I'd cut out and keep in the back of my diary. I'd forget about them, and then pull them out later, to realize how spookily accurate they were. Then I realized they were all written by the same person.

Susan Miller.

This year, I discovered Susan has an app, AstrologyZone, and my life changed. I'm joking, but I'm also totally not joking. It has to be said that a lot of star signs have the same safe appeal as a personality test (which I also love)—"You are this!" They can't ever really be wrong. But Susan doesn't mess around. She makes hard and fast predictions: "Don't buy a microwave today." "You will find love on the 6th." "You will hurt your foot later." And they are right. Well, often enough that I'm now totally obsessed.

I'm the one feverishly swiping at her iPhone on the subway, waiting for wifi so I can check exactly how Susan says things are going to play out in my sun house, or whatever.

That's the thing: I still don't even know much about star signs. I couldn't tell you my rising sign, or whether I'm on the cusp of anything, or what a house even is. But I'm invested, oh God, how I am invested.

I screen-shot the daily signs to my far-away family and feel cosmically connected. My friends and I frantically text each other when Susan is late with her monthly forecast. When predictions come true, we punch the air. Susan!

I've spoken to multiple women about this too: if Susan tells you you're going to have the best day, you…do. It doesn't matter if you've lost your laundry, or your job, the simple fact of someone telling you, "Today is a great day," is enough to make it so.

And doesn't doesn't flip back the other way. When Susan tells you your day is going to be terrible, it's kind of a comfort. Oh well, you think to yourself, it'll pass.

The app is the ultimate dinner-party ice-breaker. Susan's format gives you a prediction for yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Just ask someone their star sign, check if she was right, and they'll tell you everything. Everything.

Star signs are less about compatibility, more about getting us to tell each other our stories.

That said, if Susan tells me I'm going to meet the love of my life on a certain day, you'd best believe I will be ready to go, rose in hand. And I will not be buying a microwave.

This is not a promotional article. I just love Susan Miller.