PHOTO: GETTY / SPRING.ST
1. The One Where I’m Working as a Voice Coach on the Set of Lion…
I am working with Dev Patel on his Australian accent in his trailer. We’ve been flirting for weeks. He watches my mouth closely as I pronounce "G’day," and then, suddenly we start to kiss.
2. Sexy Medical Drama on the Filthy Sidewalk Near My Place
I’m walking down my street, where film crews often shoot gritty scenes because of the natural mise-en-scene of trash and rat corpses. Dev Patel is on set for his new film in which he plays a cop. He trips and scrapes his ankle on a discarded mattress’s jutting spring. I claim to be a doctor and take him to my place to "give him a tetanus shot." Even though it’s a superficial wound, I’m pretty sure his uniform will have to be cut from his body with scissors.
3. The One About Feeling Sexy at Dev Patel’s Family Home
Dev Patel and I have been dating for a few months. We spend a pleasant evening playing Settlers of Catan with his family, Dev Patel’s hand resting on my knee. His mom, dad, and sister each take me aside at various points, to say they like me better than Dev Patel’s previous girlfriend, Freida Pinto. I smile kindly, because I’m unwilling to diss another woman (publicly.)
4. Naked In Bed Scenario (#1)
Dev Patel and I are naked, and Oscar Isaac from the new Star Wars is also there. Everyone is cool with it.
5. Sexy Reimagining of the Academy Awards 2017 (with Kissing)
I am close friends with Isabelle Huppert, ever since we met at a full moon party. Isabelle and I are standing out back, both in Armani, smoking a joint rolled by Jeff Bridges and bitching about how mainstream Hollywood is. Every now and then I use phrases from high school French, such as Quelle dommage! Dev Patel comes out for some fresh air—Bonjour. We’ve been sneaking glances all night. Now, I pass the doobie to Isabelle, go right up to Dev Patel and we kiss. He is unsettled by Isabelle, who is smoking and watching us. I do not mind. We continue to kiss, while Isabelle looks on.
6. Sexy Pregnant Academy Awards 2019
Dev Patel and I are an established couple, holding hands on the red carpet. I’m wearing Chanel, and I’m glowing. It’s unclear whether I’ve gained some weight or if I’m gently pregnant. (It’s the latter, but Dev Patel and I haven’t announced it yet, we just exchange a knowing, loving look every now and then.) Meryl Streep walks by and gives me a conspiratorial nudge. (I’ve told her — she is like a mother to me.)
7. Me Eating Sexy Things in my and Dev Patel’s Apartment
Dev Patel has been taking a patisserie course. I sit on the couch in flannel pajamas and he keeps bringing test treats from the kitchen to place directly into my mouth. There are cannoli, Portuguese tarts, millefeuille, profiteroles, éclairs, fondants, and rhum babas. We watch all six seasons of Downton Abbey. Riz Ahmed is also there. Everyone is cool with it.
8. Getting Sexy on the Set of Lion Again, Except This Time I am Rooney Mara
I’m Rooney Mara, playing the role of Dev Patel’s onscreen love interest. We have to do 25 takes of the kissing scene, because we keep “getting it wrong.” Between takes, I reach out and move Dev Patel’s hair out of his face. We pause to look at each other—are we falling in love? Dev Patel invites me to his trailer to "lend me a book," but I decline because there is still some shooting to be done on Carol.
Filming on the set of Carol, I make out with Cate Blanchett. (We have to do many takes.) Cate and I go out for dirty martinis after work and talk about our true passion, theater. Dev Patel calls and I let it go to voicemail because I AM ROONEY FRIGGING MARA, AND I DO WHATEVER I WANT. (I call him when I get home. He doesn’t pick up, so I drive by his place. I eventually get in via the fire-escape. He’s asleep. I discover that the password for his computer is my name. I go through his emails, then fall asleep in his laundry basket, surrounded by his scent.)
9. In Bed Naked Scenario (#2)
Dev Patel, Oscar Isaac, and I are reading in bed. We are part of an informal, naked book club. Other members include Cate Blanchett, Rooney Mara and Riz Ahmed. We only read books by women.
10. Feeling Sexy at the White House with the Obamas
It’s 2020. President Michelle Obama invites Dev Patel and me over. Dev Patel and First Husband Barack play with the Obamas’ third Portuguese Water Dog, while Michelle and I sip prosecco, and talk about world peace, which is a thing now. The White House sprinklers go on and Dev Patel and Barack Obama’s white shirts go transparent.
Justin Trudeau is there as well.
Sofija Stefanovic is the host of , and the author of Miss Ex-Yugoslavia, forthcoming from Atria books. This article originally appeared on The Belladonna and has been republished here with full permission.