Your April Horoscopes Are Here. It's Spring! Everyone Has Hayfever!


(21 March—20 April)

It's Spring! Everyone has hayfever! The birds are singing at an unacceptable volume and hour! Everyone is all jazzed up and feeling slightly feverish. And like they might do something deeply outlandish at any minute. They need direction. They need a leader. Guess what, buddy? That leader is you! You've always liked bossing people around, and sometimes they resent it. Not this month, though. This month, you can be as autocratic as you please. You can tell people what to do and where to go and when to shut up and they will receive your orders with tearful gratefulness. Have fun!


(21 April—21 May)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

No one hates being rushed more than a Taurus. You haaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it. You like to do things at your own pace, according to your own inflexible set of standards and God help the person who tries to hustle you along in any way. True? True. This month is going to be something of a trial for you, then. It's going to feel like someone is constantly shaking you by the shoulder, or as if an overly confident bird is shouting at max vol into your ear, telling you to hurry the hell up. Things will be moving at a speed that makes you feel wretched. Try not to let it get to you. Dig your heels in. Take your time.


(22 May—21 June)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

You are not a great one for nostalgia, in general. You find it tedious and vaguely embarrassing. This month, though, nostalgia is coming for you. It might be something to do with the change in the light. You might be unpacking, and come across a whole lot of letters from someone you thought you'd forgotten about. You might hear a song on the radio that you forgot you even knew, and you'll find yourself humming along with tears in your eyes. Everything will remind you of the past, and of the people you used to know. This isn't a bad thing, so don't try to fight it. Indulge the sentimentality that lies within you.  Listen to Carly Simon and burst into tears.


(22 June—22 July)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

Try not to take everything so personally. Lolllll. You are a Cancer. Telling a Cancer not to take stuff personally is like telling an Aries to relax. Not only is it ineffective, it actually makes things worse by an order of magnitude. This month, you will be the King of Taking Things Personally. The Duchess of Making It All About You. The Mayor of Me-Town, and so on. It's going to get a bit exhausting after a while, so try to distract yourself. Maybe volunteer at an animal shelter? Maybe watch every episode of The Wire, again? I don't know. Just try, I guess.


(23 July—22 August)

You’re going to find out you have an enemy, this month. Oooooooh. Most people would be despondent at this information, but you are not most people. You are a Leo, and reports of this kind put a spring in your step. Having a fresh enemy makes you feel like Scar from The Lion King, and there is nothing you love more than feeling like Scar from The Lion King. This new enemy is formidable, by the way. They are going to come at you in unexpected ways. Obviously, they are no match for you but do not underestimate them. Plot. Scheme. Retreat to your war room and prepare to take them down.


(23 August—23 September)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

A good month for renovation, or wardrobe overhaul. Your taste has been unerring of late, but this month it reaches its peak. You will not put a foot wrong, stylistically, and so if you've got money to go shopping then you should definitely, definitely do that. If you're broke (and who among us is not broke, in these deeply trying times), do not let this hold you back. Decide on a new silhouette for yourself. Rearrange the things in your kitchen. Wear more or less mascara than you usually do. Whatever aesthetic decisions you make will be bang-on this month, so make the most out of it.


(24 September—23 October)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

Well now. What have we HERE? It's true that it is Spring, and that Love Is In The Air and so forth, but you haven't been taken out like this in a while. We are all very much enjoying the spectacle of you being DESTROYED by love, by the way. Libras are often accused of being shallow, and let us face it, you do tend to shy away from the depths. Not this month, though. This month you are just THROWING yourself directly into the heavy stuff. You are talking about love with the wide-eyed stare of a weird old mystic. You are the desert prophet of love. You have discovered some kind of secret, the key to the universe, and I cannot wait to see how this plays out.


(24 October—22 November)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

Scorpios don't court the sympathy of others, and as a result, they do not get it. When was the last time you allowed someone to feel a bit sorry for you? WHEN? You are shaking your head right now and thinking, "Never. I have never allowed someone to feel sorry for me, and indeed I never will." This is no way to live, sport. You will not burst into flames if you let people know that you are having something of a rough time. You are a Scorpio, a holy terror, and nothing will ever change that. You will strike fear in the hearts of all mortals, always. It's fine to tell people you are worried, though. It's fine to let your guard down just the tiniest fraction. Try it.


(23 November—21 December)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

Remember fun? Remember how fun used to be a thing? It used to feel like you were in a parade, half the time, with good music and many drinks and a place where you could get hot dogs if you felt like you needed a hotdog. What tf HAPPENED? Why is everything so boring? And why are you always at the bank, these days? Why are you reading a book about Chernobyl? Why did you name your cat after a novelist you don't even like. You're a Sagittarius, FFS. Fun is your thing. You are a hollow shell of a person without it. Put that Chernobyl book down immediately. Change your cat's name to something hilarious. Extract fun from every situation like the happy little horse that you are.


(22 December—20 January)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

You're going to be feeling very morbid indeed, this month. It's not like you. You'll be at drinks and people will be talking about their holiday or their stupid affection for the musical Cats, and you'll think Hmm. Time for a quite involved story about a serial killer. Time for a detailed exposition of the Hinterkaifeck murders. It will get people to shut up, that is for damn sure. Check you out, Wednesday Addams. Where the hell are you getting this stuff from? Are you a goth now? Are you going to paint your bedroom walls black and talk a lot about Aleister Crowley? Maybe. Let's see.


(21 January—19 February)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

A good month for ridding yourself of the unnecessary. You are contemptuous of clutter in theory, but you are certainly accumulating a lot of stuff, of late. Do you need it? I do not believe so. You only shop when you're bored or unhappy, anyway, so it's not like all that stuff is symbolic of anything particularly positive. Throw it away. Put it in the actual bin. I am speaking in the very literal sense, here, but you are of course welcome to take this into the realm of the metaphorical. There's a lot of bullshit wrapping its tentacles around your little legs, of late. Get rid of it. I promise you that you can.


(20 February—20 March)

Illustration: Madeleine Henry

You know who is a Pisces? Aretha Franklin. Yes. Pisces have a reputation for being a bit consumed by their emotions, sitting around like Kurt Cobain, wearing a jumper with many holes and writing songs about whatever Kurt Cobain wrote songs about. I have never really listened to any of those lyrics. It's true that you enjoy a bit of a wallow, but don’t forget about Aretha Franklin, who does not wallow in her emotions so much as surf on top of them. Take inspiration from Aretha, this month. Do not allow yourself to be submerged. Walk on water.